You may have heard—from every single advertisement, tweet, or those incessant emails hoping to
“find you well, given the circumstances”—that the holidays are going to be different in 2020.
(I feel like I need to admit that I am definitely guilty of sending the aforementioned emails, but I do try to throw a bit of cheeky dark humour into it, for good measure.)
Anyway: the holidays are “different” this year, in case you were not already aware. We’re estranged from family—which, even for those who aren’t particularly sad over that fact, is heartbreaking for the larger global reason for it; we’re unable to revel in the tiny joys of the season—no matter what holiday you do or don’t celebrate, there’s something special about the time around December, and there’s undoubtedly something festive on the Starbucks/Dunkin’/Costa menu that lights up your day. In many places, we’re locked down from even trying to find small ways to feel normal: in the UK, #ChristmasIsCancelled trended after the most recent restrictions, and it’s a sentiment that pervades beyond Britain.
There is, however, one thing a pandemic cannot touch about the holidays. One sacred piece of the seasonal splendour that no virus can sully.
I am speaking, of course, about mince pies.
(That was obvious, though, wasn’t it?)
See, the thing is: every year, each grocery chain makes a glut of mince pie varieties, from classic mincemeat with cute little decorations, to flavours that make absolutely no sense, especially not for the season at hand.
And I love all of them.
So, because this year was going to be “different,” I decided to acquire nearly every mince pie flavour readily available to me to try just for kicks. Basically: if it was on offer somewhere at a decent price? I picked it up.
Plus: those things’ll freeze for months of delightful teatime nibbles. Win-win.
But while I’ve been making my way through my personal taste-test, I was struck by an idea—prompted by the design of one pie in particular.
So, on that note, I share with you:
MARVEL CHARACTERS AS MINCE PIES
CLASSIC STAR MINCE: STEVE ROGERS & BUCKY BARNES
The pies that started it all, with the Brooklyn Boys who did the same. This was the pie that (obviously) made me think on this idea to begin with because: duh.
Red or White, it shouts Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes as a rule—and because they’re inseparable on both schoolyard and battlefield, it’s only fitting that they’re inseparable on the pie plate, too.
But it feels kind of cheap to split a single pie-type on two supersoldiers, so:
ICED MINCE: STEVE ROGERS & BUCKY BARNES
This one should probably speak for itself.
See? TO THE END OF THE LINE.
RHUBARB GINGER CINNAMON CRUMBLE: NATASHA ROMANOFF
I’d like to pretend that I first made this association based on something other than the fact that Nat’s hair is iconic, and rhubarbs are red—plus when baked they taste a little like cherries, which—which!
Are also red.
But then the cinnamon and the ginger were fiery and sassy and fabulous. And the pie itself was actually one of the best ones I tried all season, and it was just tangy enough to be worthy of a badass Russian spy, colours aside.
MAPLE PECAN: THOR ODINSON
Thor was kinda hard, so I’m going nerdy on it—which is maybe apt, because he first encountered really nerdy people on Earth, and also Thor is super intelligent and anyone who says otherwise isn’t paying attention—but: one of the biggest producers of pecans? New Mexico.
Who landed in New Mexico? Thor.
Boom.
PLUM HONEY GINGER: CLINT BARTON
This one was solely because some plums are purple and Hawkeye’s uniform is purple and purple is a BAMF colour.
Just ask Sam Jackson’s lightsaber.
(Also: this one had ginger like Natasha’s and they’re super-SHIELD spies together. Win.)
ALMOND: BRUCE BANNER
Did you know there is preliminary evidence that elements of the broadly-defined Mediterranean diet—ESPECIALLY ALMONDS—can impact behavioural regulation?
I feel like the Other Guy would appreciate that.
SPICED LEMON CURD CRUMBLE: TONY STARK
The initial thought, here, was that one of the few instances where we get a specific sense of what Tony is drinking in a scene (versus scotch, scotch, usually some kind of scotch and then chlorophyll) is when he gets a dirty martini with a lemon twist from the duplicitous Natalie Rushman in Iron Man 2.
But, thing is: this was the most absurd-looking pie I bought all season. The biggest, and one of the two most expensive, even on offer.
But damn, was it tasty.
And if that doesn’t scream Tony Stark? I don’t know what does.
(Plus, Iron Man 3 is one of the best Christmas movies of the 21st century, so. Yes.)
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