It’s nice to know that even a twisted voodoo she-devil like Gran’Ma has nightmares. That’s where we start this episode – Angelville’s matriarch is dreaming that she meets her end thanks to Jesse and Tulip, and she is having NONE of it.
She grabs the weird black phone and it turns out that it’s a direct line to Hell. Before you know it, Satan is sitting across the table, making deals like a used car salesman. We learn that he gave Gran’ma her long lifespan (with the help of some souls, of course), and he’s ready for her to join him in Hell for eternity, but instead, he agrees to get Tulip out of the picture in exchange for Genesis. It’s a win-win for everybody, so Satan sends the super-chic Angel of Death to fetch Ms. O’Hare.
Tulip, Featherstone, and Jody have made it to Osaka, and they have concocted an odd (to say the least) plot to steal souls. In a nutshell, they deliver a mock sexual harassment seminar for Soul Happy Go-Go’s senior management team, and in doing a roleplaying exercise, Tulip steals a VP’s access badge. Jody takes care of the security detail with a hammer, and Tulip and Featherstone manage to open the vault without killing one another (barely). Easy peasy. Unfortunately, as they are exiting the plane back in New Orleans, the Angel of Death approaches Tulip and asks her if she’s, well, HER. Tulip says no and pulls out the stolen security badge as proof, and then she points the Angel towards the OTHER brown-haired lady dressed up as a Grail operative – Featherstone. So, at the bus stop waiting for their ride back to Hell are now the Saint of Killers, Eugene (still babbling about God’s plan), Hitler, the Angel of Death, and Featherstone. Unfortunately for Tulip and Jody, Featherstone has the briefcase full of souls (Tulip chalks this up to the O’Hare curse), so now they have to go on yet another wild goose chase to get it back.
What of our hero, Jesse Custer? He manages to grab Starr’s gun in the elevator and shoot all the guards AND the Allfather. However, Jesse shoots the Allfather in his AMPLE gut, so the bullet barely hurts him. Starr quietly chides Jesse to shoot him in the head next time, but there may not be a next time – the Allfather straps Jesse to a vertical gurney, so he can’t access the gun that Starr has hidden in his pocket (and Starr is too scared of the Allfather to grab it and shoot him himself). The Allfather connects Jesse to a contraption that shocks Genesis out of Jesse and into Humperdoo, who is secure in an adjacent room. The first time it happens, Humperdoo explodes almost immediately, and Genesis returns to Jesse. No matter – that was just one of many clones of the idiot messiah. Each and every one of them explodes, each time Genesis choosing to take up its previous residence inside Jesse. But, the Allfather has a creepy scientist working on a “genetic cocktail” of the exact amounts of good and bad as are contained in both Jesse and Genesis (I had to wonder why they didn’t just take Jesse’s actual DNA, but hey, I’m not the mad scientist). The scientist reveals that after a LOT of trial and error, she has come up with the perfect batch – a mix of Thomas Jefferson and Wayne Brady (thus the episode title). Once the cocktail is injected into the clone, the Allfather shocks Jesse and Genesis moves to its new host. This time, it stays, and when the clone says “Bow before me,” everyone does. Ruh roh. The scientist kills the clone, and the Allfather demands that the actual messiah be brought in next. Too bad Starr has been sent to Café du Monde for beignets…
Also back in New Orleans, Hoover gets captured by the vampire crew, and they give him the choice of death (by bees, apparently) or conversion. Hoover doesn’t want his mom to be sad, so he opts to turn into a vampire. This time, though, Cassidy isn’t far away when Eccarius loads Hoover in the car for his “ride to the airport” – Cass is taking out the trash and finds a bloody neck pillow, so he confronts Eccarius immediately. Sadly, Eccarius is much stronger than Cassidy, so he knocks him out – and in the meantime, Hoover escapes. If that sounds rather dull, it’s because it is – I’m definitely over Les Enfants du Sang.
How about you?
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